Wednesday, August 09, 2006

My Story (so far...)

My God! Why is life so difficult? I don’t usually take the Lord’s name in vain but for some reason the phrase has become part of the modern vernacular and I couldn’t think of a substitute phrase that conveyed the same emotion.

I just got off of MSN with my ex-boyfriend. Apparently he now thinks he made a huge mistake and never should have broken up with me. Why now? Why after I’m getting over him and starting to get on with my life does he spring this on me?

We met online and started emailing almost daily. I went to visit him (a 6 hour drive) over the Easter weekend and things grew from there. I went to visit him again after tax season ended (my job ended along with it) this time for a week. I met his parents and some more of his friends and everything seemed to be going fine. I started applying for jobs in the area. He lives in a rural area so there wasn’t very much in my field (accounting) but I ended up getting an interview with a call centre that registers domain names. I visited him again when I went for my interview and we talked about moving in together and futures and stuff like that. I know this seems fast and looking back I would agree but at the time it seemed right.

I was planning to meet him again in Halifax during the July long weekend to go to his brother and long term partner’s wedding (His brother and father are also gay). Then, about a week or so before the wedding it happened. We had chatted on MSN that morning like normal with no hints that anything was up and then that afternoon I was excited to see an email from him in my inbox. I started reading and my stomach dropped and my intestines turned to mush. I couldn’t believe what was happening. His reason for breaking up with me was basically that I wasn’t out to my family yet. He had this picture in his head of being best friends with his boyfriend’s parents and he just couldn’t see himself with me because I didn’t have the whole family in law package that he was looking for. Needless to say I was blindsided and crushed. I couldn’t eat properly for several days due to the feeling of nausea.

Side note: I tend to be slightly academic and curious by nature so I remember being intrigued by the way my body was responding in a physical way to emotional stress. I’ve never experienced that before. Hmm, interesting. Something to research later.

Anyways, where was I…

He insisted that he wasn’t trying to force me into coming out or anything and I believe him. That’s what I did anyways. I think I was upset enough that I wouldn’t have been able to keep it from my Mom anyways. There were no angry outbursts or anything just silence. Since then I have been asked to read some articles she found on line and read my bible and pray with the hope that I will change. I haven’t really talked much more with her about it. For now I’m trying to avoid the topic until I get a job and move out. Then they can deal with the facts or not. It won’t affect me as much but right now I’m financially dependant on them and they aren’t going to help me move to a new city if they think they’re sending my off to a life of sin.

Then this morning I see him come online on MSN and he messages me. He tells me he had had a good talk with his brother. I say “ok” and think to myself “this is leading to something because he never seemed to get along with his brother”. Then he says “I realize I made a huge mistake. I know it’s not your parents or siblings I’m falling in love with. It’s you.” “Wow! That’s unexpected” I replied. So now I don’t know what to think. I told him that I was unsure of how I felt about all this because I had spent the last couple of months convincing myself that we weren’t meant to be and also that I was through settling for dead end jobs and compromising my future for someone that might turn around and yank the whole thing out from under me. Why can’t I deal with one emotional battle at a time? Auhhhhggg! Now I have some soul searching to do.


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